jEDI on movies

Attention*: Spoilers Galore

Don is sipping a cup of coffee at some café in Paris. Coffee cures dizziness and drowsiness which Saarukaan must be feeling, playing the role of D-D-D-Don. One look at Shahrukh Khan's face as he answers the phone and you cant help feeling that against the stature of someone like Amitabh, he looks like a potato farmer. He definitely needs to cover up his inadequacies with big glasses, as he wisely does. I thought leaving 20 euros for a cup of coffee was a bit too much, when you can buy at least 10 coffees in Paris with that money. Yes we know you only deal in millions but, what you must realise Don, is that doing something stupid like that attracts attention, especially when “11 mulkon kee pullece” is looking for you. Next time leave the house with a bitta change. Did your mother not teach you anything?

I used to think Chunkey Pandey was a smart man. I can now safely say that it was a foolish assumption. The name “Chunkey” itself should have put me on guard. By the way, if my parents had named me Chunkey I would probably have killed myself in kindergarten itself. Anyway, Chunkey wants to take the dope/money from Don and kill him. Don gives him the case and all Chunkey has to do is shoot the bugger. There are at least 3 or 4 people in the room, all with guns, who can do that. But no, Chunkey must make small talk! “I like this, you like that.. aisaa waisaa, idhar udhar..” I must add that all this while there is a gun pointed directly at SRK. Ok, enough talking, now shoot the clown. No, Chunkey cant shoot him unless Don raises his hands and puts them behind his head. Why in the world, you might ask?? I don't know. Maybe Chunkey likes looking at SRK's armpits. If you had any doubts about how this film was gonna go, in the next scene you see SRK killing someone with a golf ball. Apparently, Tiger Woods is really keen to buy that driver off SRK, or was it a 3-iron? Doesn't really matter. SRK could kill someone by throwing his lips at them (they are detachable in case you didn't know).

Anyway, enough about the plot, story etc. Just like I lost all interest in it while watching the movie, I've lost all interest in this post while writing it. A few random observations follow.

Throughout the movie, SRK drops various hints about his confused sexuality. Pretending to float around like a ballet dancer, things he does with his eyebrows, the way he takes off his gloves, the sounds he makes and yes, the bathtub is back. No rose petals this time it seems but possibly they were not visible under the foam.

I laughed out loud at one place in the movie. SRK asks Kareena “Iske elaawa mujhe yahaan rokne ke liye rakha kya hai” In response, Kareena unbuttons some strange thing she's been wearing on top and violently starts shaking the upper half of her body. Now, the strange thing is that everyone else in the room seemed to find this perfectly normal while I was laughing my guts out. Must be something wrong with me. The song “Yeh mera dil” sounds pathetic. To the relief of everyone Kareena dies shortly after the song.. probably the only good thing Don did all his life.

Apparently there's some guy named Jairaj, who wants Don to give him some cocaine. Even though, all dealers get their cocaine from Afghanistan-Pakistan-India, Jairaj must call Kualalumpur to get a fix. The great Don doesn't suspect a thing and promptly leaves for India. We know he's in India now because the very first shot of India is bunch of cows. Farhan Akhtar, I expected better from you man. And dialogues like “Don ke dushman kee sabse badi galtee yeh hai ki woh Don ka dushman hai” are so lame they make you cringe. I don't know why all the desi junta is ecstatic about the songs of Don but frankly I found Don music very very ordinary. A long list of one lame song after another. Please don't use words like “Bohot hee khatarnaak hoon mein” in a song. It sounds really dumb. The prelude to the song “Khaike paan banaras” is so ridiculous, even Ramsay brothers could have come up with something more convincing. The song “Aaj ki raat hona hai kya..” seems a bit out of place. Even with all the beats and stuff I had this notion that this song was originally meant to be filmed in the paddy fields of Chennai rather than some night club.

The only bit of fresh air in the movie is Arjun Rampal, even though he's made to do silly things in the movie as well. Like climbing around the only recognisable building in Malaysia. That building is the symbol of Malaysia, just like the cow is that of India. Farhan Akhtar, ahem.. knows his stuff.

Action sequences are hilarious too. The one that stands out is the one in the very end. What do you do when all the other fighting sounds have been used up already in other movies? SRK goes “Hajaaaaaa” Boman Irani goes “Hujaaaa”. Back in the room someone shouts “Ae Hindi mein baat kar be” (please talk in Hindi) For a fat guy Boman Irani beats the crap out of SRK. I think Boman Irani knew Tai Chi as a kid. That's the only way! Ultimately SRK does an Ong Bak on him and puts us out of our miseries. Ong Bak you say! Farhan Akhtar you copycat. Although wait, in a technical sense the whole movie is a copy isn't it? Ok, lets not get into the definition of a remake.

Then comes the final twist. By this time no one could give a rat's behind though. Half the aunties and uncles have left the hall in fact, grabbing all their kids, sometimes each others kids. Its difficult to tell the difference in the dark, especially when they all sound the same – irritating.

Another 3 hours of your life wasted.


jEDI

Haaaaan Krrishhhhhh..
Krrish ko pyaar karoon,
Kaise pyaar karoon,
Yeh bhi hai, who bhi hai
Tu bhi hai..
Hiiiiiiii Krrishhhhh

After this wonderful introduction you must be overly anxious to read the rest of the post. Once again, this is hardly a review, but I'd like to talk about Krrish. If you are planning to see Krrish in the near future, and yes such people do exist, you better not read this. Or maybe just do it anyway, now that u've come this far.

** Spoiler Alert **

Krishna was a 6 yr old, slightly chubby for his age, boy who liked to sketch. Now you'd agree this immediately calls for a brain inspection. Ok, there was another reason. He did other people's homework, kids more senior to him. That's what the power of Jadoo does to you. It makes you draw sketches and do other people's homework. It was obvious that Krishna was a special kid, because he was the son of another special kid, who had been given special abilities by a special alien. Grandmother Rekha had no choice but to hide him from the rest of the world for his own protection. Now where would a 60 year old woman find a secluded place to live? Of course, half way up the Himalayas. Logistics is not really a problem. Anyway, small Krishna became big Krishna. By this time he had mastered the art of flying by means of riding an invisible bicycle in the air. Of course, the gullible gaonwaale believed that all this was coming from Bournvita.
"Bournvita nahi khaoge, to mere jaise shaktishaali kaise banoge"
Also, while the gaonwaale at the foothills were washing their clothes with brickbats, half way up the Himalayas Rekha was using Tide detergent powder. Obviously, she gets them specially delivered. Its OK Mr Roshan, we understand that you were making a high budget sci fi flick and on-screen advertising is not a new thing. Much later in the film, when the money was probably running out again, Priyanka is seen having potato snacks from a huge Lays packet.

Krishna, who by now had mastered everything that Tarzan did, saved the lovely Priyanka after she got stuck in a tree. Now this was no ordinary tree. They kept falling perfectly still in a straight line while Krishna held one branch after the other. Hows that possible? Well, each branch in this tree is located exactly below the other. I love symmetric trees like this. I wanna have one too.

A few words about Krishna's dad. He was a special kid and therefore got invited by Dr Arya, the owner of the biggest IT company in the World – Technotronics.

This beat is
This beat is
This beat is Technotronic
There's the dance floor,
You're on it

The evil Dr Arya's plan is simple. Make a computer that can see the future. As Krishna's Dad Rohit Mehra simply puts it "Mein sab samaj gaya. Aap astrology, astronomy aur technology ko mila ke ek aisa computer banana chahte hein jo future dekh sake" Simplicity at its best.

Now you might be a good looking genius with superhuman abilities (what a combination!) and you could bring the stars for Priyanka but that doesn't impress her. Pretty ordinary man by her standards obviously. But as soon as you wear your Daddy's overcoat she is head over heels:
"Krishna tum in kapdon mein kitne acche lag rahe ho"
"Mere Daddy ke hain"
Thanks for teaching me an important lesson Priyanka.

Krishna meets a martial arts artist in Singapore. Now what must Rakesh Roshan call him? He must have really thought long and hard when he decided to name him – Chris Lee. Which mind you is still better than 'Bruce Lee ka bhai Choos Lee'. Not every Chinese man's name must rhyme with Bruce Lee's name Rakesh or for that matter have a surname Lee. By the way Chris Lee, who's later called Christian Lee in the movie, really rocks. He has probably not taken a single acting lesson in his life and when he talks it looks like his voice has been dubbed, re-dubbed and re-re-dubbed at least thrice.

Apparently everytime you sing a song in Singapore a guy usually appears along a street corner who plays an acoustic guitar, but it sounds like an electric guitar. Maybe Rohit created that guitar. I must have one. By the way I love Rohit's computer. No more waiting in front of the computer while it boots up. I love it when it says buzzwords like "Initialization, Authentication, Verification.." But its a special computer designed by a special person and so it has a special password. "Rohit ke aankhon ki rateena (sic) aur dil kee dhadkan se chalta hai" as the the ever charming Sharat Saxena put it mildly.

Much has been made of our superhero Krrish with claims like he looks like this and that. Oh btw Krishna is called Krrish because the little Chinese girl couldn't pronounce his name (or so I thought). Stop blaming the Chinese for everything for chrissake. Anyway, I thought about it long and hard and came to the following conclusion. Krrish is a cross between Tarzan, Spiderman, Catwoman and Neo from the Matrix. The jEDI word is final!

Rohit Mehra was kept in suspended animation for 20 years in this film. You might feel the same in parts while watching it. In Sharat Saxena's words "Dimag zinda hai par shareer bejaan hai" It was the opposite in my case.

My rating: 2 stars

jEDI

I’d like to make one thing clear from the very beginning. This is not a review. If you came in here to read something about Fanaa or anything that remotely concerns it, you are probably at the wrong place. If you are really interested in the movie review you are better off reading an authentic review by mi mate Karan here. All I have here is a product of my wild imagination. Why, you might ask. Well, coz I have nothing better to do at 2 am in the morning, and it’s not as if anyone is gonna read this post anyway.

I’ve often thought about what Fanaa would be like. Three things are known to me from the beginning.
• Kajol is blind
• Aamir Khan is a terrorist
• Aamir Khan dies in the end

I’m trying to figure out how all this works together.

Version 1: Kajol woke up one day and realized she was blind. No, forget that. She was sitting in a small boat in Dal Lake, as people do in Srinagar, when her father accidentally hit her on the head with his oar. Minutes later Kajol lost all vision. That would make perfect sense in Yashraj movies. Her father tried to get her married to other blind men but they turned her down. She was not beautiful enough for them. Listen, this is a Yashraj movie. She just wasn’t, OK? Mmm.. in their imagination. Then there she was, selling pancakes at the gates of the Shalimar Garden, when Aamir appeared on the scene. It was love at first sight. Where is the sight? You are not listening. This is a Y movie. They looked at each other through the eyes of their souls. The eyes of the souls are usually located at the back of the soles. Anyway, that’s beside the point. They got married. Kajol found out that he was a terrorist the very same night. While Aamir took off his pajamas, Kajol took out a rifle. Aamir kept shouting ‘Dhaava boool’ while Kajol kept firing indiscriminately at him. Desh was saved, Aamir was dead, public holiday was declared in Gujarat. But Aamir was a Kashmiri? Who cares? He’s dead now and so is the movie.

Version 2: Kajol was blind and in love with Hritik Roshan. Hritik Roshan the movie star, of course. Aamir always knew this. One night Aamir came to her and started talking like a 10 year old mentally deranged lunatic. Kajol couldn’t believe her luck that Hritik had finally come to her. Thus, Aamir and Kajol made love, and so the next day and next day and next. One day, Aamir realized that Kajol was pregnant. There was only one way out for him - run across the border to Pakistan. While in Pakistan he received training in the most lethal forms of combat known to the Paki terrorists, namely pepper sprays, chilli pakora grenades and wedgies. He stayed there for about eight years. Meanwhile, Kajol had given birth to a couple of children. Twins of course, you dirty mind. None of the children sounded like retards. But there was something peculiar. They were born wearing huge moustaches. It was clear to Kajol at that point that the culprit was actually Aamir. Aamir came back and offered to marry Kajol. Kajol agreed on the condition that Aamir allowed her to shave off his beard. At first Aamir thought the request was strange but he gladly agreed. The conversation went like this:
“Aamir Darling, is this a barbers razor?"
“Yes my love"
“Is this your throat?"
“Yes my love"
The rest is history. Kajol declared that she had acted in view of the National security and brought an end to a known terrorist. Again, a public holiday was declared in Gujarat.

Version 3: Kajol and Aamir met in a fish bazaar located in a small alley close to the Nishat Gardens. It was love at first sight.
Stop asking questions.
Aamir married the blind girl Kajol. On the most glorious night of their eternal union Aamir realized something for the first time. Kajol was actually a MAN. Turns out it was Aamir who was actually blind. This was unbearable for Aamir. In the interests of National security and mostly to save face of all his terrorist brethren Aamir killed himself. A public holiday was declared both in Kashmir and Gujarat.

Version 4: I’m too sleepy right now.


jEDI

Info: Director - Ron Howard, Cast - Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian Mckellen, Paul Bettany, Jean Reno. English/USA/149min.

Every time someone picks up a book and decides to make a movie out of it, people get immediately concerned. Its obvious, books are a lot different from movies and you cant use material as is without stripping out a lot of unnecessary stuff, putting pieces together and summarizing. This is not something new and people have done that in the past with huge success. Yes, you'll never satisfy the bookworm in the end, but I'm not concerned about them. I want to look if it works in itself as a movie.

From the outset it was obvious that the Da Vinci Code would make an absolutely brilliant documentary. But as a movie? Well, you need a very clever director to pull it off. That, in my humble opinion, it never got!

As a movie in itself the Da Vinci Code has numerous faults. Bad editing, bad use of locations, bad storytelling and perhaps the worst fault - bad acting! I'd still say though, that the movie is worth a watch and you shouldn't simply dismiss it. But its obvious that all the producers had in mind was cashing in on the controversy, everything else is secondary.

My rating: 3 stars

jEDI